Crying, screaming, hell and damnation, whether they are 2 months or 12 years old, your child spends the day darting from side to side like a race car, but it's impossible to get them to close their eyes at bedtime even though you can clearly see they are tired. How to fall asleep under such conditions, whether it's you... or them?
On the internet, you're told everything and its opposite. To help you out, the Dodow team has put together a summary to understand the basics of your child's sleep and answer the age-old question: what to do if my kid won't sleep?
0 to 3 months: the newborn
Hours of sleep/day: 17 to 20h
Number of naps/day: 3 to 10
Your baby has been here for 10 minutes, and you feel like they sleep more than they live - and it's not just an impression. Indeed, they do not yet have a biological clock! As a result, they do not yet distinguish between day and night and sleep all the time (and that's perfectly fine).
Their sleep cycles are very short: about 50 minutes each, they have only 2 phases: active sleep and quiet sleep, which respectively help develop their neural circuit and to recover and grow (crying is tiring).
- Whatever happens, they will not sleep more than 2 to 4 hours straight
At this age, your baby sleeps when it suits them, in stretches of 2 to 4 hours, and their waking is guided by their primary needs (hunger, need to relieve themselves, etc.). But they may also wake up between two cycles... for no reason.
If all is well and you haven't noticed other distinctive signs (fever, irritation, hunger, cold or heat, dirty diaper, etc.), it means your child just needs help falling asleep.
- Swaddle them
Swaddling is wrapping your baby in a blanket to reduce their movements. This technique reminds the baby of the mother's womb, where it was more confined, and has been used since time immemorial to calm restless babies. For the same reason, babies prefer narrow cribs.
- If you are breastfeeding, no stimulants
As during pregnancy, if you drink coffee, tea, or other stimulants, during breastfeeding your baby will receive the caffeine or theine you ingested (by the way, be careful about what you eat in general, because they will receive everything by proxy). Not a great idea to drug your baby!
- Speak to them softly
Taking the baby out of their bed every time they wake up to reassure them will quickly become tiring. Do not turn on the light and do not play with them - it will wake them up even more. Prefer the good old method of lullabies and whispered words to calm them. Sometimes, they will even fall back asleep on their own - it is important to give your baby a few minutes to see if it is a temporary awakening and if they can manage on their own.
4 to 12 months: the infant
Hours of sleep/day: 16-17h
Number of naps/day: 1 to 4
Your baby is starting to get a little used to it: now, they have a biological clock and several sleep phases: light, deep, and REM sleep. This is the period of difficulty falling asleep: the child, aware of their environment, will begin to test their limits. They may be afraid of nightmares or simply afraid of being alone.
- Start the bedtime ritual
Set up a ritual (a cuddle, a bath) at a specific time that you repeat regularly so they get conditioned to sleep on command.
However, avoid putting them to sleep in your arms or at the breast: they might no longer be able to fall asleep without you, which will give you more work than you already have...
- The age to fall asleep alone
From 4 months, your baby should be able to soothe themselves. From 7 to 9 months, they will start to feel separation anxiety (a normal stage of their development), but that doesn't mean leaving them to cry alone for hours - check in briefly to reassure them with your voice or gentle touches, and they should fall back asleep.
- Make it dark when they sleep
Thanks to their new biological clock, your child needs landmarks to be able to sleep. Condition them to always associate darkness with sleep and light with the excitement of the day, their body will naturally get used to it.
1 to 5 years: the young child
Hours of sleep/day: 10-12h
Number of naps/day: 0-2
- Keep a crib
At 5 years old and under, your child is too young to know they need to stay in bed and try to sleep. If you put them too early in a big bed, they might wander around at any time... not great for falling back asleep.
- Read them a bedtime story
There are many books to explain to children that night is time to sleep: pick according to your preference or follow our recommendation, announce that you are going to reading a story and that afterwards they will have to sleep. Be firm, and don't read a second one! You can also resort to hypnotherapy, either by consulting a therapist or by trying yourself thanks to the hypnosis book written by our specialists, Oda and the Wonderful Sleep. You can download it here.
- The comfort object
Subconsciously, the child associates you with their toy, and it is the perfect substitute to reassure them while letting you go about your activities. The comfort object gives your child the necessary autonomy to fall asleep alone.
- Manage the fear of the dark
After 1 year, your child will start to fear the dark. Obviously, don't make fun of them! It's an ancient fear that is mainly a fear of the unknown. Calmly explain why there is no reason to be afraid and leave a door ajar or a small nightlight to accommodate them.
If you can have them sleep in the same room as someone else (a brother, a sister, possibly a pet), that's good too.
6 to 12 years old: the child
Hours of sleep/day: 9-11h
Number of naps/day: 0
From 6 years old, the age to start school, your child becomes largely autonomous. It's mainly about keeping a regular routine and staying reassuring but firm to not give in to tantrums.
- No screens before bedtime
Screens prevent sleep, but your child is not able to set limits for themselves. To prevent them from being kept awake by the harmful effect of blue LED light, forbid tablets, computers, TVs, and smartphones at least 2 hours before sleeping.
- The extinction technique
The extinction technique is a fancy way of saying you need to know how to say no. Beyond 6 years old, your child is afraid of being left all alone, but also of getting bored when sleep doesn't come. Bring them their first glass of water if they ask, maybe a second, but know when they're pushing it too far and let them sleep like a big kid.
13 to 19 years old: the teenager
Hours of sleep/day: 8-9h
Number of naps/day: 0
Teenagers, who are wild and cunning creatures, will do their best to stay awake later and later. As a result, 25% of teenagers sleep less than 7 hours per night according to INPES and 30% have chronic sleep deprivation. In reality, it's not entirely their fault...
- A permanent time lag
When your teenager refuses to go to bed at 9pm, it's not just to annoy you: because of hormonal changes during puberty, their biological clock is shifted compared to that of an adult. When night falls, they are still full of energy, and will only really feel the need to sleep a few hours later...
One solution only: good habits and good will. Your flesh and blood is now old enough to take herbal teas and do cardiac coherence and other relaxation exercises zen on their own. Provided they want to!
- School phobia
Sometimes the apple of your eye (even if they deny their lineage in society) hates school - just the idea of setting foot there causes so much anxiety that they can't close an eye at night.
Just because we all had to go and we didn't die doesn't mean your teenager is lazy or cowardly. School phobia is a real problem affecting 5% of adolescents in Western countries: fear of failure, fear of judgment, even bullying are all very good reasons for not being able to sleep (remember that a child is a person without filters who can be very cruel, even unintentionally).
If you suspect your child is struggling (distinctive signs are absenteeism, crying or anxiety attacks), don't be ashamed to consult a child psychiatrist immediately.
- The freedom to have a peaceful social life
When we say that teenagers are addicted to screens, it's more that they are addicted to their friends: 73.9% of 12-14 year olds who wake up in the middle of the night take the opportunity to connect to their smartphone, and 15% wake up on purpose to send text messages. If you have gotten into the habit of banning screens after a certain hour, keep it up! Otherwise, you'll have to start...!
On the same topic:
Discover the effects of sleep deprivation
Understand how sleep cycles work in adults
5 positions for a good night's sleep
Learn to meditate in 5 minutes!
